Laurie Notaro ☆ 6 characters
Let It BleedThe shirt was so pretty It had a little Peter Pan collar and lining the placket were pintucks down the front which were then framed by delicate little ruffles The short puffed sleeves were like no other I had ever seen almost Victorian but very casual and breezy It was absolutely adorableSo I went ahead and made mistake I picked up the price tag which revealed a nugget of information that made my heart skip a beatit was on sale And while I could easily ualify for a conservatorship based on my math skills alone I can divide stuff in half and am right almost percent of the time and in this case that was dangerous enough for me to move on to mistake I imagined myself in itOf course my imagination stars Laurie Circa and not Present Day Laurie Laurie Circa it also bears mentioning is a Frankenstein y hybrid of box office movie posters and Who Wore It Better photos from Us magazine which my mother appears to have a lifetime subscription to This fantastical altered image consists of Uma Thurmans Pulp Fiction figure Andie MacDowells Four Weddings and a Funeral hair and a Julia Roberts I Love Trouble smile She not only looks cute in everything she looks adorable Laurie Circa also pictured herself in fifteen years as an editor at some hip magazine high powered enough to negotiate in her hiring package for her own bathroom that was complete with password activation and soundproofing She never truthfully saw herself eating a fiber bar and a uestionable banana for lunch right after checking to see if the whitehead on her nose had come back or if the yard guy would see her in her workout clothes complete with her Workin for the Weekend headband which she felt forced to apologize for Laurie Circa would have been disappointed that Present Day Laurie in the course of a workday would easily be obsessed trying to outbid ChuckyPup on eBay for a pink dog parka would scrawl notes that say Your car alarm goes off constantly and is irritating to those who work at home and pay taxes on this street Park somewhere else and your car by the way is a stupid color Who would buy a yellow car Who It looks like you drive a huge banana and stick them on the windshield of a particularly annoying Kia or for that matter would ever spend three consecutive hours looking in the mirror while employing six different sources of light trying to find one fugitive jowl hair Things havent exactly turned out the way Laurie Circa planned even though to Present Day Lauries benefit if I feel like going to the bathroom at pm I can do it with the door open should I prefer although the potential to set off a car alarm is vastly upsettingIn my head Laurie Circa looked adorable enough in this shirt to actually brighten the day of not only herself but of everyone around her in those puffy sleeves pintuck details and slight flirty ruffles And with that vision in mindas Uma Thurmans body walked down the street accompanied by a dog in a pink parka and Andie MacDowells hair bounced and glistened with shine in the sun people turning and staring in her wakeLaurie Circa smiled to all so cute in her ruffled shirt but so humble about it her smile spread across her face showing as many of Julia Robertss teeth as would fit into her head which was roughly about halfAnd with that I made mistake I pulled the shirt off the rack and asked if I could try it on To be honest I was already in over my head The boutiue was very nice and I had admired its windows for months but had never caught it on an open day When my luck had changed I took the two steps into the store and did a uick sweep with all five senses noticing a manneuins so tiny I swear a bony sternum was impressed into them b the piping in of music overhead I couldnt possibly identify and c the presence of the lovely exuisite creature positioned behind the front counter who politely said hello with a French accent I already knew by the international greeting Bonjourthat I was in the wrong spaceI was the wrong size and wrong age and had the wrong walletbut it was too late for me to turn around and swim back upriver to Elastic Land Instead I pressed on with the attitude that Im smaller than I look in real life and I scanned the first rack with interest I found myself picking at a hangnail because of my uick discomfort which is a nervous habit that I understand isnt publicly acceptable but if faced with a choice of thumb sucking or fiddling with my crotch Ill eat my cuticles any day It was there that not only did I discover that.
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The clothes were just as beautiful as I had seen in the window but that my size indeed was on the tags and most important on the tag of the cute shirtOf course Ill show you to a dressing room Amelie said as she walked out from the behind the counter and gave me a warm real smile Not only did all of Julia Robertss teeth fit into her mouth but they were whiterIt was a cute dressing roomfull length mirror a nice antiue chair to put my purse on and beautiful lighting I like that I thought as I looked into the mirror noting that during my most recent visit to Anthropologie the lights were so audacious I wanted to ask the dressing room girl if she could turn the setting down from its current Cruel to the next level Barbaric Now I know I spent over half of my life puffing on a cigarette filter but the Kitten Ass around my lips in my reflection at Anthropologie was so pronounced it looked like I had been injected with plasticine as I was sucking on a crack pipe If youve never smoked used a straw or are still able to wear red lipstick without it spreading out like tributaries from your lips you might not know that Kitten Ass is the nice term for the vertical fault lines that surround your mouth and if youve never had a kitten I suppose Puppy Ass would do I refuse to take this conversation any further if youve never been a dog person either since I do not know what a ferrets ass looks likeIn the Anthropologie mirror I saw wrinkles dents flaps bumps and something that caused me to say to myself I hope thats a tumor and not a horn I was nothing short of horrified As I sunk to the depths of despair and looked up the address of the closest cosmetic surgeon before I even left the dressing room I tried in a panic to calm downEvery wrinkle you see is a wisdom line I told myself in a nice steady voice Wear them proudly each one is a challenge and an obstacle you have triumphed overYou have an asshole on your face one of my meaner voices replied Doesnt everyone want a juicy Wisdom Kiss from that mouth Youre just growing into your face the nice voice said There is grace in agingEspecially if you ever wanted to use your face as a baseball glove the mean voice countered It gets softer anddoughlikeYou know these lights are ridiculously bright and are shining on you from directly up above the nice voice tried again When does that ever happen in a real life setting I dunno the mean voice said in a mocking tone Ever hear of the sun As a result of that experience I do think all Anthropologies should provide a courtesy volcano just outside their dressing rooms so every woman who is revealed as completely inadeuate by the lighting can throw herself in rather than contaminate the store staging for any longer than absolutely necessaryBut the lighting in this boutiue was soft welcoming almost loving Looking in the mirror I swore there was a sheet of delicate gauze separating me and my reflection I almost looked as blurry as a main character on DynastyI am perfect my nice voice whisperedI bet you have glaucoma my mean voice whispered backIn any case the conditions were prime for me to take the little ruffled shirt and try it on and thats just what I did I hung it up on an old antiue hook on the wall and admired it briefly And thats when I saw it the M on the tag in the back of the shirt where the L rightfully should have beenMy heart made the sound of a deflating balloon Why why it cried like it had gotten whacked in the knee with a police baton at a practice for the US Figure Skating Championship I looked at the price tag which did say L and realized it had just been mis tagged I was about to give the whole thing up when I saw the sale price again and thought that I might as well give it a shot After all what is the difference between an M and an L anyway A boob size Several good meals in a row A couple weeks of unemployment So I did it I jumped in took the ruffled blouse off the hanger and slipped it on All was going well until I slipped my second arm in and we reached what I like to call the friction point of my arms which is the upper portion right around the biceps area After all Im pretty strong so the circumference naturally reflects that plus thats where I store most of my winter reserves which should save me if Im ever floating out in the ocean on a raft and my foot begins to look like a delicious burrito But it was no big deal I met some resistance but with a little tug here and a little tug there the sleeves moved right into place and the shirt.
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Was over my shoulders and on its way to being buttonedBut it turns out that there sort of is a significant difference between an M and an L kind of like the difference between a decades worth of unemployment and the cultivation of a Kitten Ass I couldnt even get the button and the hole to look at each other let alone kiss There was no bridging the mountain rangeit was a statistically impossible feat and one that was difficult to absorb I really loved that shirt I wanted to wear it But it was a hard fact of life a tragedy of reality you have to accept like the fact that you can seriously injure your mouth by attempting to fit an entire Triscuit inside it and your chances of bleeding dont diminish thetimes you do itI looked at myself in it saw Laurie Circa donning it with a cute little flippy skirt and espadrilles and then bid it adieu I slipped it off one shoulder then the other and that was precisely when our goodbye came to an abrupt endI was stuck The sleeves which had perfectly popped into place with two teeny suggestive tugs were now a little stubborn about leaving their nice soft cozy arm fat nest In fact both refused to budge I rolled my eyes and huffed at the inconvenience I decided to pop them right back out of place with a tug downward and crossed the left hand behind me to grab the right placket of the shirt and vice versa One good solid tugTug Tug TugNo movement None at all Not even a slideNow when I say that the hems of the sleeves were firmly in place around my arms I mean they came together like a pipe fitting With a touch of plumbers putty I could have run crude oil through that connection and there wouldnt have been the slightest chance of a leakAnd it was definite Those puff sleeves werent going anywhereI stood there for a moment and pondered what my next maneuver should be Clearly we were having a little problem with the fabric of the shirt which simply didnt have as much elasticity as it should have Clearly I mean I have had to wiggle in and wiggle out of some items of clothing sure who hasnt but Ive never been grafted to one beforeI decided that since both of my arms were stuck and pulling from behind me wasnt working I should try a different position so I bent over and tried to grab the back of the shirt to pull it from that angle I tried to grab it several times but it was too tight across my shoulders to fall into my grasp and I had been bent over so long that when I stood up I didnt see just stars but a meteor shower Youd better not do that again I warned myself Onetip of the teapot and youcome up with one side of you mouth lower than the other I tugged again from the front but the sleeves were decidedly not budgingHow can you be trapped in a goddamned shirt I asked myself Its not a coal mine Its not an elevator Its cotton The fabric of our lives I had no idea that a steel trap would have ruffles on it when I brought it into the dressing room and it sprang on both my armsOh my God I whispered then took a minute to refocus and pulled againNot An InchThis is ridiculous I said to myself I am just not pulling hard enough Try pulling one arm at a time focus all of your strength into one arm Focusing Focusing Now pull Something moved But as my stomach flipped like a fish I realized it was simply that the nail on my middle finger had bent backwardIf I get this shirt off I thought I swear I will never try on a non L shirt again Never Never will I try to tempt sizes Never will I think that sizes dont know what theyre talking about The sizes are gods They know all They know all I know nothing Ill stay in my size herd from now on and will never stray There is safety in the herdI thought I could not only get an M on but that I could button it I have learned my lesson I have I have I promise I have Ill only try things on with Lycra in them from now onPraise for Laurie NotaroLaurie Notaro is absolutely hilarious You never see the jokes coming Theyre always organic to her writing and it makes her a joy to readJustin Halpern author of Sh t My Dad SaysIf her books dont inspire pants wetting fits of laughter then please consult your physician because clearly your funny bone is brokenJen Lancaster author of Prettyin Plaid Whenever I pick up a book by Laurie Notaro I know Ill be in a good mood soon Because Laurie Notaro makes me laugh PeriodMeg Cabot author ofThe Princess Diaries and OverbiteHilarious fabulously improper and completely relatable Notaro is the ueen of funnyCelia Rivenbark author of Bless Your Heart Tra.